This is my story
It’s incredibly personal. Even the act of typing these words feels as if I am opening a secret drawer to my life; a drawer that I have kept very well hidden.
Everyone has a story. I know that everyone experiences the ups and downs of life. I am not special or unique in this respect. I also know that a lot of people are struggling and that a lot of people are in so much pain and turmoil. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.
This is the story of my battle. So perhaps it’s a war story. It’s primarily a story about how I almost lost everything, including myself. It’s also a story about denial and acceptance. But most of all, it’s a salvation story.
I hope that my act of opening this very secret compartment of my life will help even just one person. Maybe that person is you.
To whomever is reading this and to whomever can see parts of themself in my story, I want you to know that there is hope. That there is a way out. This might sound cheesy, but this is one thing that I know for sure: the only way through something is to tackle it head on.
Spending like there was no tomorrow
I will try and keep this short. I will just state the facts. For 12 years I was involved with an alcoholic, gambling addict, and abuser. I didn’t understand these traits in the beginning. I didn’t know – firsthand – about what it was like living with an addict. I also had no idea what it was like to be physically and mentally abused. I never knew that I would become “one of those women”. The type that stayed for 12 years. That was me.
Without realising it, I was paying for everything. There was always an excuse or justification for why I needed to take responsibility and pay for everything from food to electricity. Every now and again, but very rarely, I would be given a sum of cash, a surprise bonus of sorts, to use for the house. This cash was handed over with great fanfare, as if I should be so incredibly grateful that I was given enough money to buy a few basics.
My partner started insisting on very specific items including expensive food, toiletries, and furniture that needed to be purchased for our home. Everything had to be of a certain ‘standard’. My partner had grown up very poor; the appearance of wealth was very important to him.
It seemed so easy to apply and get the credit. I was utterly clueless about interest rates. It was just so easy. I could “afford” everything. That’s when the personal loans started. It became possible for me to be able to afford to buy the TV he wanted, the couch, the expensive camping equipment etc. I was even made to pay for holiday trips together that were manipulated as false opportunities to fix our relationship. I fell for these betrayals and lies, every time.
I walked out on the relationship several times and of course I went back. I was offered false promises that I mistook for genuine love. How stupid and naive I was. Please don’t judge me as I have judged myself every single day.
Spin Cycle
While all of this was going on, my then employer started having financial difficulties. Staff were paid later and later every month. It was erratic. Month after month I would have bounced debit orders. Then, my employer announced that all of our salaries needed to be temporarily reduced to avoid a retrenchment process. I was so tired from living with a monster, and more than that, I was exhausted by having to pretend to the world that I was living the dream, that I was happy. I had no sense of self-worth. I felt so inadequate, that I didn’t believe it was possible to start looking and to be hired by anybody else. As my partner kept telling me, “You are useless, you are pathetic, you are nothing”. Who would hire someone so incompetent?
My finances started getting really out of control. I was having to take out short-term loans every month, just to see me through.
I kept increasing my overdraft amount, not truly understanding what I was doing. All I knew was that I needed money to pay for my overwhelming debt.
Loan, after loan, after loan.
And of course, let’s not forget the credit card – originally obtained for emergency purposes only. Credit card 1 maxed out. Credit card 2 maxed out.
Do you now understand how easily one ends up in this mess?
No more sources of money
Things then started to get really hairy. I did not have enough money to pay for everything. For a little while I could keep increasing my overdraft and credit card limits. Until I couldn’t anymore. Until all the banks started declining my loan requests.
That’s when I started going to pawn shops to pawn whatever I could. My grandmother’s jewellery, my kitchen gadgets, anything really.
It was heartbreaking. I have pawned items so dear to me. I will never see those items again. I must live with the guilt of having squandered items that are beyond valuable and sentimental.
Nobody knew about what I was experiencing. I had an excuse for every bruise. My social media posts all showed me living my best life. It was all a lie.
Missed Payments and Non-Stop Phone Calls
It was so difficult keeping up the pretence of being successful and happy. I started avoiding family invitations. I lived off popcorn and tinned beans without anybody knowing. I will never forget the first time that I couldn’t pay my bond.
Then I couldn’t pay my bond the next month after that.
I had stopped answering my phone. Every phone call and message was to tell me that I was in arrears. Even just hearing my phone ring would give me a panic attack, thinking that the bank was calling to tell me that my house was being repossessed.
I thought I was going to be homeless. I thought I had lost everything.
I was on anti-depressants, and I was drowning my emotions in alcohol and food. But nothing made me feel better. The darkness that surrounded me just got darker and darker.
The Facebook advert that changed my life
It was about 2am one morning. I didn’t have enough petrol to get to work. I didn’t know what I was going to do. To be honest, I did think about just ending it all. This was my lowest moment.
I was scrolling down on Facebook when a video popped up. The video preview showed a sad woman that looked a little like me. The video asked a simple question – Are You Drowning In Debt?
That was the first time that I really heard about debt review. Up until then, I thought that debt review was the same as blacklisting. It’s not.
Anyway, let me cut a really long story short. I filled in a form asking that a debt counselling consultant calls me back. I literally didn’t have anything left to lose. I was so tired. I didn’t have any hope left. I felt so alone. I felt like such a failure. My life was in ruins.
Later that morning I was called by the friendliest debt counsellor ever. He was so nice to me. He didn’t at all make me feel like I was a failure. He kept saying to me “you are not alone”, and “everything is going to be okay”. I remember just sobbing on the phone. For the first time in a very long time it felt as if I had a friend that was going to help me. A friend that I could trust. A friend who understood me.
I had to get to that point of admitting that I had a problem and that I needed help. I had been in such denial.
Asking for help is the first step. “Ask and thy shall receive” – very powerful words indeed. Now I believe these words.
Fast forward two years
I have been under debt review for just over two years now. There is a plan for my life. I will be debt-free. I pay just one monthly amount for all my debt. My personal debt counselling plan also ensures that I have enough money left over after paying the one consolidated amount. I can breathe. I’m not living the high life, but I have my dignity back.
Nobody calls me or texts me to tell them that I owe them money. I don’t spend every minute of the day thinking about my debt. I can think about happy things again.
My life has changed completely. I know that I am worthy of joy and peace. I know that there are kind and honest people who really want to help. I know that I am glad that I did not end it all. I had to lose it all to find myself again.
This was just a short condensed version of my struggles. I am glad that I finally put pen to paper and shared my personal experiences.
Debt counselling saved my life.
Literally.